Fear

I live in fear each day.  Fear for myself and what my future will hold.  The fear for the well-being and happiness of my children.  Fear as to whether my marriage will survive.  All of this has become quite overwhelming.

My oldest seems to be "acting out", I use this term loosely cause I really don't know what else to call it.  He has a temper, he reacts to everything.  And I wish I knew how to better handle him.  Each day seems like a battle.  A battle to see if I have set off a bomb or if I have safely diffused until another day.

My second seems to be my little angel.  But, being a girl, I worry.  I worry if she sees the way mom and dad interact and that she'll think its okay for men to treat her that.  I know men shouldn't be treating me the way my husband does to me, but I have become weak, perhaps lazy or too tired to fight it.  I have created this monster.  I am as much as fault as he is.  I want  her to be strong.  To know that she is everything and can become everything.

Oh, and the twins.  What seem to be the lacking twins.  They are in good hands, being taken care of my mother, which my husband thinks otherwise, but they are good.  They are their own, not a care in the world, but their momma still worries about them.  I have never left the older two to go back to work.  These poor monkeys are being raised neither by their mother or their father.  I miss them.

My marriage is a seemingly happy one, to the eyes of others.  Perhaps, even to my husband.  Our quarrels don't really seem to phase him.  His work and his achievement in life sure does.  The digits in our bank account does.  But, his wife, me, I am not sure.  I have been unhappy for a while.  And perhaps it seems like we pushed passed things, its just really I have buried them deep.  So deep that when it comes back to hit us, it is hitting us hard.  I can no longer be honest about my feelings with this man.  He scares me.  I am so scared of the belittlement, the guilt, being brushed off.  So, I sit in pain, by my lonesome.  To power through each day for my children.  To pretend to be happy, where I am not.  I am hurt and angry.  I feel like I'm being blamed for all the failures the family encounters.  I feel the blame for that dent in the wall, the money that is not saved, the house that is not tidy, my illness.

Blame, guilt, fear, sadness, anger; not one of these words leads to happiness, but yet, I'm still here fighting with no one.  Or the no one, who gets to walk away and claim that he does all for this family and I do not. The man that gets to threaten to take my personal belongings away, just because he pays for them now.  The man that wants to take all of it from me and I really have no more to give.  I am constantly trying to please him, what about me?  Who going to ask what I need?  A trip away is not going to save us.  I am not sure there are anything that will save us except for us.   So, I am gonna crawl back into the hole and continue to bury my feelings because I am just that worthless piece of shit he married.  Yup, that's what I feel.  Like a worthless nothing.  Can't be good enough, to do anything right.  And when I do, it is not even acknowledged.  Is this how my marriage is going have to be like?  I'm just too tired to fight for it to get better.  No more energy to work for better outcomes, as my priorities are my children and I will do all that I can to protect them....

I did it, I spoke up.  I don't know when I started to let him be so condescending towards me.   But I fought back today.  All the pain and anger I've been holding back all came out.  I don't know if he knows that he is doing.  Or the fact that what he is doing is so damn condescending, but I was not going to take it anymore.  The constant guilt, the not good enough feelings are boiled up inside me.  Perhaps, I have been feeling really down lately, and for being someone so close to me, he either don't give a damn or can't tell.  The funny thing is, my friends could tell, his sister, my sister in law of all people could tell that I'm not myself, but the man that says he loves me, can not.  Now, isn't that fucking ironic?

I've been dealing with a lot of my own personal problems.  The secrets of my family, my children, the child that keeps me on edge.  My own postpartum depression.  I know I have a problem, and when I bring it up, it surely gets shrugged off.  I've been in this deep dark place all by myself, with no one, that can help but myself.  I've been trying my best to pick myself back up but it seems like each day that I do, or try to have a "good" day, his problems, his needs comes before mine and I get shot right back down.  This is a great picture of marriage.  Its no rainbows and butterflies and in my case, not very much compromise.  He's the King and I am to obey.  I am to listen and take those criticism.  I am to be what he wants me to be and not what I want to be.  I parent incorrectly, I clean incorrectly, I spend incorrectly.  I am not sure I do anything right anymore.  I am no longer the strong woman I used to be.  I am a submissive bitch to my husband, or at least that is what I feel.  The fights around our marriage are none other than money, the children (how they are disciplined and what they eat and the efficiency of the maintenance of this household.  I am not doing enough to please him.  I'm not even allowed to fall asleep when I'm tired.  He turns into this raging manic.  I'm so sorry that I have a sleep disorder and mental illness.  I will just like he says "WILL" it away.  Like something everyone is so able to do.  There is no sympathy, or empathy from the man that supposedly loves me.  So, I sit here and compose this very unedited pieces of my god forsaken thoughts and feelings.  As I am the only person who will listen to myself.  I do not need the advice of my friends, although appreciate and helpful.  I don't need my parents to wonder what our quarrels are about, although I really want to tell them all the pain I've been through to save you some damn face and likability of my family.  And damn, I know you fucking don't care, but I do.  I chose you as my husband, and I want and hope for it to last a lifetime.   But for me right now, I am just tired.  SO VERY TIRED.....

Safe Place

I have decided to start this blog for the sake of nobody but myself.  I feel that I need a place to write down my thoughts and feelings without having to answer any questions.  So this intro post will be brief, as I am using this space as my personal journal.  The purpose of it being online is so someone, somewhere can find my personal experiences in certain matters and use it to their benefit.

Disclaimer:  This blog will get real; their will be heartbreak, anger, and all ranges of emotions.  So read on knowing that you may feel like crying, laughing or punching a wall with me.