Fear

I live in fear each day.  Fear for myself and what my future will hold.  The fear for the well-being and happiness of my children.  Fear as to whether my marriage will survive.  All of this has become quite overwhelming.

My oldest seems to be "acting out", I use this term loosely cause I really don't know what else to call it.  He has a temper, he reacts to everything.  And I wish I knew how to better handle him.  Each day seems like a battle.  A battle to see if I have set off a bomb or if I have safely diffused until another day.

My second seems to be my little angel.  But, being a girl, I worry.  I worry if she sees the way mom and dad interact and that she'll think its okay for men to treat her that.  I know men shouldn't be treating me the way my husband does to me, but I have become weak, perhaps lazy or too tired to fight it.  I have created this monster.  I am as much as fault as he is.  I want  her to be strong.  To know that she is everything and can become everything.

Oh, and the twins.  What seem to be the lacking twins.  They are in good hands, being taken care of my mother, which my husband thinks otherwise, but they are good.  They are their own, not a care in the world, but their momma still worries about them.  I have never left the older two to go back to work.  These poor monkeys are being raised neither by their mother or their father.  I miss them.

My marriage is a seemingly happy one, to the eyes of others.  Perhaps, even to my husband.  Our quarrels don't really seem to phase him.  His work and his achievement in life sure does.  The digits in our bank account does.  But, his wife, me, I am not sure.  I have been unhappy for a while.  And perhaps it seems like we pushed passed things, its just really I have buried them deep.  So deep that when it comes back to hit us, it is hitting us hard.  I can no longer be honest about my feelings with this man.  He scares me.  I am so scared of the belittlement, the guilt, being brushed off.  So, I sit in pain, by my lonesome.  To power through each day for my children.  To pretend to be happy, where I am not.  I am hurt and angry.  I feel like I'm being blamed for all the failures the family encounters.  I feel the blame for that dent in the wall, the money that is not saved, the house that is not tidy, my illness.

Blame, guilt, fear, sadness, anger; not one of these words leads to happiness, but yet, I'm still here fighting with no one.  Or the no one, who gets to walk away and claim that he does all for this family and I do not. The man that gets to threaten to take my personal belongings away, just because he pays for them now.  The man that wants to take all of it from me and I really have no more to give.  I am constantly trying to please him, what about me?  Who going to ask what I need?  A trip away is not going to save us.  I am not sure there are anything that will save us except for us.   So, I am gonna crawl back into the hole and continue to bury my feelings because I am just that worthless piece of shit he married.  Yup, that's what I feel.  Like a worthless nothing.  Can't be good enough, to do anything right.  And when I do, it is not even acknowledged.  Is this how my marriage is going have to be like?  I'm just too tired to fight for it to get better.  No more energy to work for better outcomes, as my priorities are my children and I will do all that I can to protect them....