I did it, I spoke up.  I don't know when I started to let him be so condescending towards me.   But I fought back today.  All the pain and anger I've been holding back all came out.  I don't know if he knows that he is doing.  Or the fact that what he is doing is so damn condescending, but I was not going to take it anymore.  The constant guilt, the not good enough feelings are boiled up inside me.  Perhaps, I have been feeling really down lately, and for being someone so close to me, he either don't give a damn or can't tell.  The funny thing is, my friends could tell, his sister, my sister in law of all people could tell that I'm not myself, but the man that says he loves me, can not.  Now, isn't that fucking ironic?

I've been dealing with a lot of my own personal problems.  The secrets of my family, my children, the child that keeps me on edge.  My own postpartum depression.  I know I have a problem, and when I bring it up, it surely gets shrugged off.  I've been in this deep dark place all by myself, with no one, that can help but myself.  I've been trying my best to pick myself back up but it seems like each day that I do, or try to have a "good" day, his problems, his needs comes before mine and I get shot right back down.  This is a great picture of marriage.  Its no rainbows and butterflies and in my case, not very much compromise.  He's the King and I am to obey.  I am to listen and take those criticism.  I am to be what he wants me to be and not what I want to be.  I parent incorrectly, I clean incorrectly, I spend incorrectly.  I am not sure I do anything right anymore.  I am no longer the strong woman I used to be.  I am a submissive bitch to my husband, or at least that is what I feel.  The fights around our marriage are none other than money, the children (how they are disciplined and what they eat and the efficiency of the maintenance of this household.  I am not doing enough to please him.  I'm not even allowed to fall asleep when I'm tired.  He turns into this raging manic.  I'm so sorry that I have a sleep disorder and mental illness.  I will just like he says "WILL" it away.  Like something everyone is so able to do.  There is no sympathy, or empathy from the man that supposedly loves me.  So, I sit here and compose this very unedited pieces of my god forsaken thoughts and feelings.  As I am the only person who will listen to myself.  I do not need the advice of my friends, although appreciate and helpful.  I don't need my parents to wonder what our quarrels are about, although I really want to tell them all the pain I've been through to save you some damn face and likability of my family.  And damn, I know you fucking don't care, but I do.  I chose you as my husband, and I want and hope for it to last a lifetime.   But for me right now, I am just tired.  SO VERY TIRED.....